It’s unfair to look for certain qualities in a person that you don’t have within yourself.–Melvin Davis

Many of us have been guilty of looking for certain qualities in a person that we don’t have.  For example, looking for someone with nice skin, that’s fit and sculpted like athlete or a model while neglecting your health, is unfair. You want someone who’s ambitious, however your content with average or how the way things are when you know deep down inside you could do better, is unfair. Its unfair to want someone who is “God-fearing” and your relationship with God is secondary or not a priority at all? It’s unfair to want someone who is a great communicator, but you’re still not willing to work on your communication skills? It’s unfair to want someone who is transparent and vulnerable, but you’re not will reciprocate that in return out of fear of being hurt. Someone once told me that she’s doesn’t open up because she doesn’t want to be hurt. If you have been living long enough, I’m sure you experienced hurt at some point. My response to her was, “I’ve been hurt to, but I’m willing to be vulnerable if I feel that person is worth it.” It’s unfair to want attention but you’re only willing to give it when it’s convenient for you. These are just a few examples. I’m sure there’s plenty more. But let’s spend sometime figuring out what makes people seek things from others that they don’t possess within themselves and how we can seek love in fairness.

Selfishness is a trait that places all the attention on the self and not so much on what the other person wants. It’s about the “I” or the ‘Me.”  In the context of looking for those special qualities in others that we don’t have, the selfish side of us kicks in and demands a list of qualities in others–all the while forgetting that we don’t have those qualities. This is a red flag within itself, because the nature of that persons relationship is gong to be centered around what they want, what will or will not work for them in a relationship, and what another has to do, continuously, to keep them happy, again, all the while forgetting that they aren’t doing their part to maintain the maintenance of love. And if the selfish person attempts to be inclusive by doing special things to keep their significant other happy, they will always just as long as it benefits them or if they could get some out of it. No matter what angle you look at it, it’s unfair to ask for things in others we aren’t willing to develop or change within ourselves. Selfishness prompts individuals to seek things in others that they don’t have within. Keeping an honest assessment of you will level the plane field when it comes to finding the ideal mate. In other words, you’re remembering that you don’t have those A-list qualities within yourself when seeking love.

SN (side note): Now, don’t misinterpret the message I’m trying to get across here.  The emphasis in the first paragraph is more on the physical and spiritual spectrum. Seeking personality traits in others that we don’t have is not a problem. Some examples of great personality traits in a person are a good sense of humor, intelligence/intellect, wit, someone’ who’s affectionate, sensitive, caring, sarcasm, spiritual, ambitious, humble, a leader, respectful, family-oriented, etc., etc., etc. Relationships of any kind should be an experience of exchange and growth. Whereas, you’re learning and taking something from that person that makes you want to be better man or woman and essentially someone that provides balance. For example, I mentioned in a previous blog that I’m a guy who’s thoughtful, reflective, a philosophical man in nature that spends a lot of time thinking abstract, so I look for a woman that’s the completely the opposite of me—a woman that’s more jovial, adventurous if you know what I mean, refreshing, someone that could take me away from my world. And that’s not to say that I’m “deep” and “serious” all the time, but by nature, I am a thinker.

If we are to seek love in fairness, we have to be willing to hold ourselves to the same standard that we place on others. It’s only fair.



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