Anyone who has read the previous blogs under this series, you would have thought the sun had began to set on my life in entering a relationship again, experiencing unconditional love, and all the wonderful things I write about that tickle your romantic fancy. Unfortunately, that is not the case. To flick back to the index of an experience, which may not be new to some, but new to others, here’s a snap shot of a last love pursuit that really propelled my writing, and how I view love. Trust me, this all will tie into why I’m not looking for love. I promise you (insert smiley face here)
Once upon a time, I laid eyes on a woman while working out one day. Immediately, I felt something peculiar, special about this woman that I had to make my way over to introduce myself. Long story short, although I knew she wasn’t looking for a relationship, I accepted a friendship. No matter how hard I tried to suppress the romantic feelings I had for her, I couldn’t.
What I felt about her grew uncanny, so strong to the point that I never knew I could feel this way about a woman before. I was completely transparent and vulnerable in ways I never done so before. I didn’t care to reveal all of who I was, because I wanted her to see all of me, e.g., my weaknesses and strengths. Long story short, things did not work out. I learned an invaluable lesson about timing and patience, both of which I failed to understand at the time.
In part II of this blog, after the demise of that special woman and I friendship, I shared how I finally passed the test of understanding the importance of timing, learning how to be patient and learning how to love myself so I that I could overcome the feeling and state of loneliness. And I believe I did, to an extent but I didn’t. Today, every now and then, I still struggle in these areas. I find myself asking the same questions of why I can’t I experience love or when am I going to find that special woman. Some of the things I blog about, as it relates to patience, timing, overcoming loneliness, etc., I’m actually writing to myself. I have to give myself constant reminders to stay focused on the assignments at hand, which I will get into later in part IV. Anyhow, in sum, after my friend departed from my life, the test I thought I passed, I was actually being prepped for it. I was only given the answers to the questions but isn’t funny how you c
In 2012, I moved on from the woman I was in love with. I came to the conclusion, that with her or without her, I was going to be happy and content. There are millions of beautiful women out there. I know I could experience what I felt before in what I felt with other woman, probably better. With that being said, I tried to make myself available to meet someone else. I sort of pursued rather passively—only to feel people out. I allowed my eyes to be opened to see the possibility of love come from somewhere else. And I sort of thought I did, but I repeated the same mistakes I did in the past, which resulted to a pursuit gone wrong. This was indication that it’s not time to love.
My love life is complex, one that has to be viewed from a spiritual perspective, if you are to understand the perspective I’m coming from. In part IV of this blog. I’m going to share some reason why I’m not looking for love. But I will say, I’m not in a position to. God won’t let me. He’s telling me to sit still because He’s not done working things out in me. There’s still coming growing and learning to do, perhaps further healing I am not aware about. A friendship is all I can handle, and I have found that to be quit risky: some people view relationship differently than I do. I view having a relationship with someone as taking her to be my wife. I don’t jump in relationships for the mere fact that I am single and you’re single. Time is something that you cannot get back, and avoiding unnecessary pain and waste of time is not on my agenda.