love

Why I’m Not Looking for Love? Pt. V

There’s no easy way of getting over someone you’re in love with. The feelings you have for them have to run it’s course or either they will stay until purpose sets you free. –Melvin Davis

Maybe about a month ago I blogged about how I was finally over the woman I met two years and and how I was open to the possibility of finding love from someone else. When our friendship ended, I tried just that: dating here and there to see if something meaningful would cultivate, but love failed to happen– mainly because, I couldn’t see myself being with them. I would take a step back, and focused on the self, my novel, and where I felt God leading me. And after going through some serious personal and spiritual transformation, and moving back into the same area where I met that special woman, I felt that I would be ready to love again. But lo and behold, I wasn’t. A test I thought I taken and passed a year and a half ago was only prep coarse for the test I would actually take when I moved back to Virginia.

Fast forward: After I moving back to Virginia, I returned with no expectations—just open to what life would unfold for me. But in the back of my mind I wondered what If I crossed paths with the woman I was and still am in love with. What would I say to her? What if I saw her with another man? Would that have made me regret the move to begin with? And trust me when I say this: I checked and rechecked my motives for moving back to Virginia. I moved back with the thought in mind that I’d never see her again or her being with another man. But I knew I was led by divine direction. Well, five months had passed, and still I haven’t seen or heard from her. So I told my mind, let her go, focused on the prospects of a writing career, and allow love to come from somewhere else. I did just that, but the same results repeated itself: I couldn’t see myself with the women I’ve been romantically involved with until recently.

I met someone that I couldn’t myself see being with at first, because our perspectives about faith collided. She also offered a few words that felled by the waist side of hope, because was reality as she saw it. Yes artist do struggle to find their way into success, but I am a man of faith. And God never gifts or calls someone to do something they would fail at: If you read my latest poem. Something I Need to Do, you’ll know exactly where I’m coming from 😉 So I started to open myself up this person I met, and to be honest, I started to like enough to want to spend time with her, but my intuition didn’t not release me to fully avail myself to her. I felt something was wrong, too good to be true—until tonight I learned she reconnected with someone else. Now you see where the inspiration from this blog comes from.

I’m not looking for love because I’m still in love with the woman I met two years ago. And trust me when I say this, I tried to pray my feelings away for her and I tried to convince myself that I was over her, and I thought I convince myself that was, but I lied to you, as well as myself.

I believe there’s something telling me to not give up, and there could be several reason as to why: My desire for her has brought me closer to God, strengthen my prayer life, and made me a better man and influenced 97% of my writings, including my first novel, Unconditionally Yours, which is currently being edited. Yes, she’s the kind of woman that had such an effect on me. But what’s a man to do when he encounters such a beautiful person inside and out. He’s left to surrender his pride, open his heart to take a chance at being hurt. I would do it again if I felt that strongly about someone else.

I’m not looking for love because God is telling me to wait, to be patient. My recent encounter with the recent woman proven to be failed one. She lied when I gave her the opportunity to be honest. Trust has been broken, and I doubt if I could ever trust her again. This disappointment was a result of me opening a door that should of stay closed before when I receiving signs about something else. I’m sorry, but I have to leave that story out.

I’m not looking for love because my heart is another place. I have to make this statement unapologetically, because it’s the truth of what I feel—despite other potential love interest.  But although my heart still desires her, I’m not foolish enough to ignore prospects. I can only offer a friendship. It’s their decision to be friends with a man who heart desires to be held in another hand. She’ll have to ask herself am I worth the way. And if the answer is no, I’ll understand why.

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