love

Friend’s Before Lovers Pt II: The Benefits of Being Friend’s First

If you think a person is that special to you, your focus would be on establishing a friendship with them first. –Melvin Davis

I learned the importance of establishing a friendship in my last pursuit of love.  Wrapped up in the idea of getting stuck in the friend zone, I tried keeping myself out of there by letting her know that I saw her as more than a friend. My words and actions guided and dominated my emotions to a point of disregarding that she wasn’t looking for a relationship. You see, when you don’t love yourself, you’re instinctively inclined to find it from somewhere else. A lack of self-love will not allow a friendship or a romantic relationship to unfold naturally. This brings us to the second point. When love is absent from the self, you’ll become emotionally unstable. People often get lost in a persons beauty or by the kind of relationship they have with God guy because they don’t know who they are or what their purpose is in life. When I took the time out align myself with God, I figured out who I was, what He called me to do in my lifetime and I learned how to keep my heart desires second to Him. All of these things now prohibit me from becoming a second option or from chasing someone.

Note: There’s nothing wrong with desiring something or someone God places in your heart, but when the desire become first this is called idolatry.

These were some of the weak points in my past life, but I’m thankful to have taken the time out to truly enjoy my single life. After my “friendship” ended with that special woman, I accepted the personal and spiritual transformation that was necessary for change. This process was painful, and quite embarrassing. To look in the mirror God shows you, to reveal all the things you’ve been hiding from people and denying about yourself, is tough to face. You have to be willing to look at your past to see what’s been holding you back or hurting you. There are something’s worth revisiting in the past to have a better future. But to walk into a better future, you to stand complete, whole and firm in the present. You must have love and respect for yourself. You must also know the value God placed on you. I want to share a few pointers that will encourage you to seek a friendship before a relationship with someone know is the one for you. I hope you will take these points into consideration.

By establishing a friendship first you:

  1. Have a chance to get a good understanding of the person before you think about making a commitment to them. We all have many sides to us that we chose not to expose to others until we really feel comfortable with them. Some of those characteristics are good, but it’s important to give your love interest the benefit of the doubt of knowing all of you. If a person chooses to reveal only the positive qualities about them, you’re going to develop an idea of perfection about this person in mind. Sooner or later, when he or she makes a mistake, because they showed you a blemish-free side of them, you’ll be ready to get rid of them. I’m not suggesting you to intentionally misbehave or blatantly be rude. Like passing gas while they’re eating dinner. That’s totally disgusting. I’m calling it quits if someone ever did that to me. I’m only suggesting honesty. Be honest with your potential lover. In those moments when you’re having a heart-to heart conversation, and transparency and vulnerability sets in, this is perfect time to say, “hey, you know I’ve come along way dealing with x, y and z. I just want you to understand this about me.” Healing takes time, and we have to be patient with those who may have experienced unfortunate events in their life. Time does heal all things, but so does understanding. When you meet someone who understands your past, you’ll feel a kind of peace that you will overcome what you went through. Understands rids out loneliness.

2. You build a solid foundation to grow from and to return to during tough times. I believe every successful relationship began with a great friendship. It’s not a coincidence relationships end because the couple had no foundation to lean on to get through the tough times. Within the heart of a friendship, lie clear and effective communication, trust, honesty, support, care & concern, and all the other essentials that seem insignificant until things spiral downhill in a relationship. Relationships stand the test of time when two people can have a mature-like conversation about the problem and can come to an agreement to move forward.  Communication is key!

3. You increase the chances of faithfulness. Since friends are able to be honest with each other, they can talk about whatever that’s on their mind or what needs improvement in each other’s lives without being hurtful or argumentative. Unfaithfulness happens when the lines of communication are disconnected, which lends to an emotionally disconnection, which makes a couple feel that they’re alone, no longer in love or in a relationship for that matter. You wouldn’t backstab your friend would you? Or not address an issue ahead of time instead of letting it linger on? Friend’s are loyal, open and honest to each other. Friends’ wouldn’t also put each other in a position to compromise their faith, moral and ethical standards.

4. You can learn each other’s love language. This is so important. I’ve actually blogged about learning a woman’s love language. Learning your potential lovers love language will give you insight on their likes and dislikes, in the context of engaging them in a friendly or a romantic way. We all have ways we liked to be approached, talked to or loved. By nature, I’m a calm and respectful guy. If someone addresses me opposite of who I am, I’m not listening to what they have to say. I don’t want have to step out of character to meet this person where there are. Learning each other’s love language will increase the longevity of a relationship because you know how love them in the way they want to be loved.

5. You have the opportunity to develop a prayer life. Referring back to the point I made about every successful relationship beginning with a great friendship; imagine if you developed a spiritual foundation with your potential lover. One of the things I appreciated in my last pursuit of love was that we could talk about God. I would often share moments where God talked to me or instructed me to do x, y, z. She understood exactly where I was coming from. I felt a sense of oneness, someone who was able to understand the language of faith. I have discovered that faith has a language of it’s own, in which I will expound in my later blog titled, Protecting Your Dreams.” A spiritual and friendship foundation will also increase the chances of faithfulness and understanding each other’s love language. You are destined to have successful relationship with a solid, spiritual friendship.

There are more points to add this list, but I will save it for a later time. I hope you all enjoyed this    blog.

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9 thoughts on “Friend’s Before Lovers Pt II: The Benefits of Being Friend’s First

    • Melvin Davis says:

      Thank you Desi.

      Loving yourself will free yourself from all the things that will hinder a relationship and you as a person. Self-love is a key to liberation.

  1. Friends who pray together, stay together. I really like number 4 too. But you’re right, if you don’t have a friendship, how can you make a sincere relationship work. If you can’t trust someone as a friend, how will you be able to trust them as a partner!

  2. Pingback: Friend’s Before Lovers Pt II: The Benefits of Being Friend’s First | Melvin Davis

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