love

The Temptation of Reliving the Past: When Old Feelings Surface

To return to what God led you away from is to jeopardize where he wants to take you with the person he has for you. –Melvin Davis

What do I do now that I’m “single”? is a question many people find themselves asking when they have “moved” on from a failed relationship. You’re somewhat emotionally detached, and you’re somewhat ready to give love through someone new. However, a flashback of the “good times” crosses your mind. Those fond memories emerge with joy, somehow putting a smile on your face, until you think about the toxic and heated arguments, and the intense moments of feeling unappreciated and emotionally and spiritually disconnected. You also remember those signs of unfaithfulness and lies, being ignored and uncared for. You cried next to that person in bed until no more tears could produce from your heart. You’ve talked to so many people about the situation until your mouth grew tired. The truth made itself known to you. And you even prayed about the relationship once more, and God showed you a clear painting of the situation. In fact, you saw the view of the picture from many angles. God showed you why it’s not his will, and where it will land you if you continued to stay in the relationship. His presence penetrated deep into your heart, that you had to stop doing what your were doing to sit still and gather yourself. You felt the ache bearing deep within that you couldn’t rest well at night, or concentrate during the day.  I want to talk about The Temptation of Reliving the Past.

It’s easy to return to the familiar, because you don’t have to put in the work of getting to know someone new all over again. It takes time and patience getting to know someone, which is something you probably don’t have. You’re short on patience. These days, there isn’t much legroom for mistakes. You have probably thought about returning to that person who didn’t appreciate you, than to give some else a chance who would appreciate and deeply love you. You’re ready to write someone off, because again, you don’t have the “patience.” After all, you “know” the person you were with.

To return to what God led you away from is to jeopardize where he wants to take you with the person he has for you. You have to remind yourself why the relationship didn’t work. Besides that you were toxic for each other, there was probably one prominent force at hand that was working against you two. It wasn’t God’s will.  What’s not in God’s will have no chance at life. Of course, you could make it work, but forcing love into the equation where it’s supposed to develop naturally, just isn’t worth it. Your “I love you’s” will have no feeling or passion behind it. And the touch or the holding of hands will not produce any feelings of love, comfort and assurance that this is the person God has for you.  When you step outside of God’s will, you’re forfeiting being valued and appreciated, love and cared for, respected and adored. You’re giving up your sanity/ peace of mind, because faithfulness and commitment will always be called into question when you’re not in that person’s presence. You’re also giving up the chance to build two important foundations a God-ordained relationship should stand on, which are a friendship and a spiritual connection. Without any of these positive components, love has nothing to stand on.

Before you think about reopening a closed chapter, remember why the relationship failed. God led you away from that person for a very important reason. It wasn’t his will. To return to the past is to jeopardize where he wants to take you with the person he has for you. But that page of finding new love can’t be read until you move on from the past.

In my novel Love Again, Jennifer is temped to return to the past but she comes to her senses. Let’s take a look.

Jennifer took a seat, removed her sunglasses, and got right to it.

“Robert, you know how much I still care for you.”

“Oh, here we go,” he complained, interrupting.

 “I’ve thought about you often throughout the years. I’ve often wondered what life would’ve been like if we’d gotten back together again. But after meeting up with you in New York and DC, I admit, some old feelings resurfaced, but they quickly faded away. I don’t feel the same way for you as I once did before.”

“What do you mean?” His nostrils flared up.

“What I’m saying that it’s too late to make up for what happened several years ago,” she said blinking back tears.” Time has passed. I’ve met someone new now, someone who has believed in me since day one, someone who understands me, someone who I pushed away.”

“Like you’re doing to me now?”

“No! I’m not pushing you away. I’m freeing us from one another so that we can be open to experience love from someone else. I’m sorry Robert, but I don’t see myself being with you. I don’t see us getting married.”

Here Jennifer comes to her senses. She remember all that happened in the past, and some people just don’t change. What’s in God’s will has a second chance.

Thank you for reading my blog. I would like to ask you to take a few minutes to check out my video on indiegogo. I’m raising funds to self-publish my novel Love Again.

Here’s the link:  http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/love-again-a-novel-by-melvin-davis/x/6665495

Your donation would help me tremendously, as well as passing on my campaign to your friends.

Thanks in advance.

 

 

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Reminding yourself of what happened in the past could be the barrier that’s standing in between you and what you’re meant to have in your future.-Melvin Davis

The past could seem so near when the hurt and indifference remains so close to your heart in the present. It was, as if “IT,” happened yesterday. And when you move from one chapter to the next, without thoroughly addressing unresolved feelings from an ex or someone you dated, expect contention and confusion, lingering and unanswered questions, and for an explanation to be given if the person wronged you. Remember, how you deal with the past would tell your new love interest how ready you are for love.

So how can you position yourself to meet the right one? This answer is simple, yet tough to put into action. You have to put in the work to want to move forward. You have to be dedicated. The first step in dealing with the past is to:

1. Confess. Be honest with yourself by confessing you still have feelings for someone.
The healing process begins with confession. When you are honest with yourself about you still feel about someone, whether those feelings are fond or indifferent, verbally confess from your heart, how you feel about that person. Confession surfaces the truth from your heart so you can address those unresolved feelings head on.

2. Next, be patient with the healing process.

For many people, healing takes time. Healing may take up to several months, maybe a year or two. For deep emotional attachments, it could take two years or more. Whatever the severity of the emotional attachment, be patient to the healing process. Patience meaning: Allow those feelings run its course. So, if you feeling angry one day, write those feelings down on paper or talk to someone about it. If romantic feelings arise or stir up, do the same.
Telling yourself that yourself that you don’t feel a certain way confuses the heart. But when you are honest with yourself about you feel about someone, the heart opens to change.

Remember, with patience, God can repair your heart, help you see the good of that situation, of how it helped you mature and evolve as a mature man or woman. And as you continue to reflect, you’ll see how close that situation drew you to God. All things do work for the good—no matter how bad it hurt. When God begins to heal you, your heart desires will turn towards what he wants for you.

3. When you’re done healing, embrace the grace period. Meaning, enjoy your time singleness.

Healing is a sign that you have moved on, but it doesn’t necessarily means it’s time to dive into another relationship. It’s important to give yourself time to breath and function in your singleness as an emotionally and mentally clear-headed person. You want to approach life, your new love interest with clarity, a sense of assurance, that you know what you want, and what will and will not work for you. You want to be emotionally and mentally available without reservations of thinking about what someone in the past did you to you. However, I am not suggesting for you to be naïve. Your past could be the barrier that’s standing in between you and what you’re meant to have in your future. Love that is.

The grace period is also a time to refocus and aligned yourself back with God, and to find out what direction he wants you to head in next. The grace period may also be a time for you to seek his will and purpose for you life, if you haven’t discovered it yet already. A time of singleness is a time of preparation.

In my novel Love Again, David Bradshaw, my main character, who’s getting to know his new love interest, Jennifer Washington, is still conflicted and confronted with the past. Let’s take a look.

In this scene, David is opening up to Jennifer about his ex, Maria. What’s in bold is directly from my novel.
David finished telling Jennifer about how he was there for her during some really tough times, like the time he helped her pay for her grandmother’s funeral, edited her research papers and essays while she was graduate student. Even after doing a number of related selfless acts, she was still unappreciative and selfish.

“How did that make you feel?” Jennifer interjected.

“Like loving her was never enough, but it gets better,” David chuckled at the painful memories
.
David recalled how he stayed with her, because he thought things would change between them. However, it was the worse decision that he had ever made. He returned to Venezuela from a book tour to propose to her, and found her on the beach in another man’s arms, kissing him.

“Talk about devastation,” he said, taking a deep sigh.

Jennifer gasped, pressing her hands against her chest. “Wow, David. I’m sorry to hear all of that.”
“It’s ok. I’m over it now.”

“Are you sure?” Jennifer saw his eyes boil, and his face tensed like a lion eyeing its dinner. We don’t have to talk it about anymore if you don’t want to.”

Here’s a flashback David is having while talking to Jennifer.

Strong winds clamored against the vast window, shaking the bamboo blinds. He stood infuriated with his back turned to Maria, watching the lightening flashes across the dark, gray skies. She stood behind the wooden pole with tears in her eyes.

“I’m sorry, David, but I was never really in love with you like I thought I was. Things kind of changed when you moved here.

You’re such a sweet guy and I mean that but…”

“But what?” David turned around and faced her. “What do you mean you never really loved me—you’re a…” but he caught himself before swearing at her. He vowed to never curse at a woman, but in that heated moment, a bullet from nearly left his verbal chamber.

“I’m sorry, David,”

“Sorry doesn’t cut it, Maria,” David closed his eyes listening to the raindrops on the windowpane that seemed to get louder as quick as throat dried, and he couldn’t speak anymore

“It’s okay,” David said looking away. “I learned something really important from that situation though.”

I’m sure you can see the contention David is confronted with about his past. And Jennifer has detected some lingering, unresolved feelings.

The past could be the barrier that’s preventing you from meeting the one God has for you. Face the past.

love

An Open Letter to My Future Wife

 

To My Future Wife,

 

I penned this letter now instead of later, because I want to thank God in advance for you. I already know you’re going to be an amazing woman. You’re going to be exactly what I prayed for. And by the time I meet you, I’m going to be everything you need me to be. So whoever you are, wherever you are, here’s an open letter I want to send to you, for all to see. I know you’ll be a testimony of my patience. I hope that your heart to open to receive these words.

 

I know that you’re probably in another situation now. Maybe you’re trying to work things out with the guy you’re with. Maybe your heart is healing from a terrible breakup, one that you invested a great deal of your time and energy in. Perhaps there are some other personal issues going on in your life, that’s preventing you from walking into mine.  May be we just haven’t met. Whatever that’s going in your life, there’s no rush. God’s timing is perfect. We will grace each other eyes and touch each other’s heart. We will enjoy plenty of days and evenings together, whether conversing about life, laughing about something silly, or doing something we both enjoy. I want you to know, that wherever you are in life, I’m praying for you to experience wholeness. I want you to be complete and happy, full of joy before you meet me. I’m going to look at you as a compliment to my life—only to add to it—never to subtract or divide from it.

 

And you’re not the only who’s being prepared for marriage. While I’m waiting on you, God is shaping me into the man he wants me to be for you: A protector and a provider, a great communicator, and a spiritual leader. He also wants me to be a great lover, a man who can make love to the deepest parts of you, and who can also be intimate without physical touch.  He’s molding me into a man who’s transparent, and vulnerable–vulnerable enough to accept you in my life without reservation of being hurt. He’s building my trust in him, so I can fully trust you, my blessing.

 

I want to end this letter by saying: I look forward to developing a wonderful friendship with you: One that’s based on open and honest communication, trust and prayer. I look forward to learning everything about you. I want to know the woman behind closed doors that many seldom see. I want to know what’s inside your heart, because that’s where your true treasure lies. I want to know what’s in your spirit, because that’s where your true beauty lies. I want to know you before I propose to you.

 

Until we cross paths, don’t rush love. We’ll find each other soon. I know it. I can feel it. I’ll see you soon.

 

David Bradshaw,

 

 

Thank you for reading the introduction of my novel. To listen to the audio version on youtube, here’s the link: http://youtu.be/OVjSamRZUh0

For information about my novel, check out my video below.

 

 

 

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love

Bringing My Dreams into Fruition, the release of my novel, Love Again

Thanks to all who have liked my FB page: All of my quotes and blogs will be posted on that page for now on. Also, in the upcoming weeks, I’m launching a budget on Kickstarter for the release of my novel Love Again, since I’m self-publishing. Hiring a professional copyeditor (maybe a developmental editor too), and a proofreader will be critical in producing quality work. I want my work to reflect the success I see, and I want you all to receive nothing but the best. The budget will also building a building a website, marketing and advertising materials. A professional photographer and a graphic designer will come in handy in designing my book cover and business cards. I want my website to reflect one of superb quality, and one that communicates the brand I’m trying to articulate. I need your support in fulfilling my vision. I will keep you posted. Thanks for your help.

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love

The Status of My Love Life Pt. III

 If someone walks into your life, and loves you where you are and who you are, God has given you someone that hasn’t been persuaded or socialized by popular belief. They are the scarce treasures on this planet. –Melvin Davis

I am still single because it’s hard to find a woman who’s spiritually compatible with me, who can communicate well (see my blog on Text Messaging Your Way Out of Love (http://wp.me/ppKQ5-2p3), and who isn’t afraid to experience what they long for. And the last reason, I run into women who are emotionally unavailable. I am beginning to see patterns with these kinds of encounters, and I think I know why.

Note: If you read part II of this series, keep that message in mind as you read further along;)

As I’ve matured in my Christian walk, and becoming more mature at the age of 33, and factoring all the things I shared in Part II, I can’t see myself with a woman who doesn’t desire to have a strong relationship with God. I’m not saying that I would write someone off if they were not where I’m at in faith. I think it would be unfair if someone wrote me off when they can clearly see my desire to progress further in my spiritual walk. However, I find that women, who aren’t spiritual compatible with me, either don’t know how to respond to me or they’re intimidated by the kind of connection I have with God and the spiritual gifts he’s given me.

Faith truly has a language and a perspective of its own that has an impact on every aspect of your life. If you’re dating someone who isn’t equally yoked with you, they will pass judgment, because they’re viewing your life from the perspective from which they stand. Eventually, you’ll find yourself having to curve who you are and censor what you say or do because your relationship or belief in God is too far-fetched for them to comprehend. And you will start to feel suffocated and frustrated because they’re not able understand how God has worked in your life, and the purpose he’s calling you to.

Communication has become more and more important to me now that I’m older. I find that the women I cross paths with, don’t know how to communicate, or they simply choose not too. Maturity is a factor here, if that’s the case. In my recent blog, Text Messaging Your Way Out of Love, I elaborated on how people have gotten so comfortable with text messaging that they refuse to pick up the phone and call you when they are able to. I have talked to women, who I engaged in conversation with for a month lol, via text message. Even I got sucked into the poor habit of communicating. I come from an era where text messaging wasn’t popular, when you couldn’t wait to talk to someone on the phone that you liked or couldn’t wait to link up in person after developing good chemistry. Today, it’s convincingly the opposite. People would go a week or two or a month without dialing your number. Sorry, I’m not developing a relationship through text messaging. I believe adults talk to each other. Text messaging (including FB messaging) leaves plenty of room to misinterpret each other–then you have to send another text (lol) explaining yourself. Maturity matters. Communication matters.

Then there’s the woman who says he wants a man of God who has goals, who’s driven, who has the capacity to love and be loved, and to be faithful. But when she meets him, she shies away. I’m not saying I was an answered prayer to all the women I met in my past, because I’d probably be with at least one of them. But when you meet someone, and you both share some common ground or vision of what you want out life. And all of sudden, the person fails to communicate, and are inconsistent in word and action, they return to what’s familiar. This sends a message to me that they weren’t quite ready to experience what they prayed for. I find that some women don’t believe I am who I say I am. They read my blogs and listen to my poems and say, this guy isn’t real, or he’s probably talking to several women at a time. That is false. I am a one woman’s man. And in the past, I found it difficult to talk to two or more people at a time. That’s a lot of unnecessary work.

I am aware that my work draws a lot people into me, who experiencing relationship problems. I don’t mind those encounters. It’s a part of my calling. But when it comes to the women who I have expressed interest in, or vice versa, as I listen to their story, it leads to them still communicating,” yea still praying about him or I don’t know what to do.” At that moment, I imagine myself saying, “I’m standing here looking in the mirror–saying damn to myself.” The confetti of disappointment falls on my head. And then I find myself saying, “I think its best for you to focus your undivided attention on your current situation.” I refuse to be an option. But not only that, I don’t want to be the cause of a breakup. I rather a woman come to her own senses, that the guy she’s with isn’t the one for her. Once that happens, then we can talk. Until then, let’s keep our distance.

Yes we’ve heard the cliché that age doesn’t matter, which is probably 50% true, but in some cases, it does. I’m sure I can go back and forth with someone who begs to differ, so I’ll say this, Maturity matters–irrespective of age.

With all that I’ve gone through in Florida, and turning 33, I can’t see myself dating a woman who doesn’t have an understanding of who she is because she’s still at the age of figuring out who she is. By all means, I don’t look at this as a negative, at all. We all come into our own at some point in life. I started getting a good grip of myself at 29, and that’s not long ago. Now that I have a good understanding of who I am, I know what kind of woman I could see myself being with. And that’s an emotionally and spiritually mature woman who knows God, and who hasn’t been condition by popular beliefs that are circulating in social media or by what she sees on television. In other words, she doesn’t want a man for his money, and isn’t too self-centered to noticed the other people around her. I am attracted to women who can be true and authentic to who she is, and in a relationship. I’ve been in situations before, where I felt like a counselor or a father-like figure. That was an awkward feeling. That feeling lets me know I was dating someone who wasn’t on the same maturity level as me. I want to be with a God-fearing woman who isn’t intimidated by what and who I am becoming in Christ, and who’s not going to judge when I open up to her about personal things.

Despite recent disappointments, specifically earlier this month, I’m sure I will come across a woman who’s spiritually compatible with me, who isn’t afraid to work towards something meaningful with the kind of man she’s prayed. I’m looking forward less text messaging and more phone and face-to-face conversation. I’m looking forward to that special woman who has a strong relationship with God, and who has a good grasp of who she is. I’m so excited that I want to share this open letter to her.I’ll post it soon.

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The Art of Thoughtfulness: A Man’s Guide to Moving a Woman’s Heart Pt. I

 Think+ Do= THOUGHTFUL ACTIONS

This mathematical formula may seem bizarre to you. You’re not the only one who sucked at math. I’m probably one of the worse math students of all time. Seriously. Seeing letters next to numbers terrifies me. Good riddance we’re only dealing with words here. The word ‘think’ in its literal form is to form an idea or a concept about something. This idea or concept is not seen; in fact it’s not a real thing, quite yet. ‘Do’ is a verb. Self-explanatory. When you combine an idea and a verb that equates to thoughtfulness. It is the result of tangible, real, physical results. Get my drift? Not yet, let’s take this formula and place it in a context of love, and how a woman interprets thoughtfulness. I’ll also give some examples of things you could do that are thoughtful.

A woman loves when a man does things for her without her asking him to do so. This is called thoughtfulness. Thoughtfulness communicates to her how much you think about her and mean to her. She interprets thoughtful acts as 1) You’re in tuned to her. 2) You care about her. 3) You really love her. 4) YOU’RE NOT THINKING ABOUT YOURSELF in the relationship. These reactions may seem ABCD simple to you. But trust me, women pay attention to what you think is insignificant.

In Pt. II, I’m going to offer a list of thoughtful things you can do to move a woman’s heart.

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Things a Woman Would Appreciate Pt. II

6. Be a presence of support. Support what she does or a dream you know she has but hasn’t the kind of faith and confidence to step out and act. There’s no other greater feeling than having someone who believes in you, especially the person you’re with.  I believe the man should be the spiritual leader in his relationship. This is confirmed with Adam and Eve. We as men have a tendency to think our strength in his our physique or ability to please a woman in other areas. That’s important to. But when hardships come raining down, none of things matter. A woman needs a man of faith, a spiritual leader to guide you and her, including the family, if you have one, through trying times. A man’s true strength is His relationship with God, added with strong faith and obedience.

7. Pump her gas at the gas station. They say courtship is dead. Well fellas, lets revive it. If you happen to be in the car with your special woman, and she stops at the gas station to fill out, get out of her and pump the gas for her–especially if it’s cold or raining outside. Here’s what will happen if she isn’t used to this. While you’re pumping gas, she’s smiling ear to ear, blushing, probably text messaging her girlfriend about how much of a gentleman you are. She’s appreciating the chivalry you’re introducing into her life and she will sure return the favor.

8. Open doors for her.

9. Give her frequent full body massages or a foot massage if she opts out the full body massage. Massaging her scalp would sure relax her body and bring her emotions to a calm. She will enjoy this because women love to be pampered and treated like the queens they are. Conclude this time of intimacy with forehead kiss or a kiss on the lips or on her hand.  This will let her know how much you value you her. She may even shed a tear of joy or two.

10. Read to her. I’ve blogged about this before. A long time ago, but I’d like to reintroduce it. This was something I’ve discovered by experience. Before then, I had no idea reading to a woman could have this reaction. Well, I happen to read to someone while she lied on my chest. My voice induced an emotional and physical response. Besides those effects, I think reading to a woman is simply romantic and endearing. It’s a way of having healthy dialogue about whatever it is that you’re reading and for her to see a different side of you.

11. Make her feel loved and sexy in place she fee’s insecure about. Women are extremely self-conscious about their bodies, outfits they pick out to wear, etc. If you know she’s at the gym trying to get a particular body part in shape, let her know that she’s doing a wonderful job. This will boost her confidence and make you feel good about herself. Tell her that she’s beautiful all over even if she hasn’t reached her target goal. She would appreciate this a great deal. The key here is to make you feel confident, sexy and feminine.

These acts of love may seem insignificant, but they’re powerful and they matter. These acts of love could change you relationship in a great way. If you’re kind and she doesn’t respond right away, that’s okay. The point here is to love not expecting anything in return. But if she cares about you, loves you he same way, she will love you back.

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