love

God’s Confirmation Vs An Emotional High Pt. I

 

When you see someone who looks like what your heart desires, before you call it love, check with God first. Pray, and He will reveal what you feel is a matter of pure attraction and emotion, or His peace that is the key that unlocks the confirmation you need in your spirit.-Melvin Davis

An emotional high is to be so overtaken by your emotions that it’s difficult for you see the truth of what God is saying about the person you’re pursuing. It’s taken me sometime to master this. When I was younger, I didn’t have the emotional maturity and intelligence I needed to avoid unnecessary experiences. I often got caught on the emotional high with a person. Back then, I equated physical attraction as someone who was God-sent. Whereas, because she was pleasing to the eye, she had to be pure, divine and the one. I’ve learned that beauty often comes with all kinds of destruction, dysfunctional and toxic behaviors that makes you ask yourself, how did I get entangled in this emotional web? When you don’t know who you are, you could easily fall into deception and mistaken attraction for confirmation. Think of people react when they see a celebrity. They lose it. Good looks does not translate into love. There’s nothing wrong with emotions or having emotions toward someone. It’s just important to be under control to see what God is showing you.

With emotional maturity comes the ability to wait and see what God has to say about the person you’re interested in before you become emotionally involved. Sounds like patience huh? It takes time to develop emotional maturity accompanied with patience. You want to know God’s truth about the person you have your eye on, pursuing or dating before you taken an emotional step into their life, and vice versa. I think it’s important to know what God has to say before you arrive to a point of dating. At least this is how God deals with me. If I see great potential, I ask God to reveal if she’s my wife. I’m sure you’re thinking, isn’t it too soon to ask of such a request. Well, I’m going to say no. As you get older in age, and mature in your relationship with God, you have better understanding and value of the importance of time. I’m no longer in a position to kill time with someone because I can. You should never be that lonely that you allow anyone to occupy your space for the sake of passing time.

Emotional maturity is really developed through spiritual discernment. Spiritual discernment is cultivated and enhanced as your relationship with God grows. Spiritual discernment is the ability to know what is and what is not of God. It’s the Holy Spirit leading and guiding you into all truth. Now, in the natural, there are various signs on the surface you could see that will determine if you met the one or not. They’re so visible you don’t have to pray about it. That’s what I want to write about in part II.

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Communication: The Making Or Breaking of a Relationship

Communication is extremely important in developing a relationship with someone. It sets the tone for the kind of connection, chemistry and understanding you’ll have of each other. How you communicate provides insight as to if you will remain an acquaintance or friends with your love interest or become something more. Unfortunately, poor communication is a reason why relationship never evolve or why couples call it quits. Communication can make or break a relationship.

There are various contributing factors to poor communication. Self-centeredness is one of them. It’s difficult communicating to someone when the attention is always on them—just about 99 % of the time. The 1% of the attention given to you comes in two questions. “Why are you so quiet? Or why aren’t you saying anything?” And I’m sure you’re thinking inside your head, “Because you’re self-centered,” but you don’t say anything out of fear of offending the person or creating an awkward atmosphere after. However, if you’re okay with having your attention drawn to a stage of someone’s world and existence, hearing more “I’s” than “We’s” used in a conversation, and consuming only their views, perspectives or interest, because yours doesn’t count, perhaps you shouldn’t say anything. Talking to someone who’s self-centered is draining. When the mind is idle in a way, that you aren’t using it to contribute or give input into a conversation, because what’s being said isn’t conducive to having a balance discussion, you’ll be left depleted. Self-centered people are often self-absorbed and selfish. This doesn’t suggest that they don’t have other positive qualities about them like ambition, a caring heart, business-savvy, successful, church going, etc.. It’s just that they aren’t conscious or considerate of your thoughts, feelings and personal interest, and no one may have told them so. If you’re dating someone who’s self-centered, you may want to ask yourself, do you want to fight to have balanced attention and conversation? Love can’t flow in self-centeredness.

Talking too much is another could also break a relationship. Now, if you do talk a lot, I’m not taking a shot at you. This isn’t the objective of this blog. I’m raising awareness to what communication is and what it looks like. There’s nothing wrong with being talkative, however, life is about balance. A conversation should have balance. Talking too much is forgetting that another person is in front of you, and they have an attention span. If you’re sitting in a classroom lecture, you are the sponge. But since, we’re talking about relationships, you shouldn’t feel you’re in a classroom lecture. The person you’re interested in may have something to say or someone where to go. Could personality lend to being overly talkative? I don’t think so. In my encounters, I find that some people just aren’t conscious that they do talk a lot or don’t have an understanding that communication also involves listening. It’s impossible to get to know someone if you’re always talking and talking too much. You could talk the attraction out of you and romantic interest out of someone, if you never for a second took time to engage them.

How amazing it would be to get into the heart, spirit and mind of someone else by asking questions? I enjoy engaging someone I’m interested in. I ask questions. Lots of questions. To know a person is to ask questions. To know a person is to listen. To love a person to know their heart and who they are in God. You wouldn’t know these things if the attention is always on you and your overly talkative. Invite someone on your stage and give them a mic, then ask, tell me what you’re passionate about or what stirs you or how do you feel about x, y, z. And I dear you to let them finish without cutting them of and drawing the attention back to you.

Having absolutely nothing to say isn’t so appealing either. What’s a conversation without the other person ever knowing what’s going on inside your head. Saying nothing could give the impression that you aren’t confident, you are uncomfortable or awkward. These are the last things you want running through another person head while they’re giving you the blank stare. Say you may not be interested or well versed in a particular subject, I would still find an angle to interject. Ask questions and find ways to link what’s being said to what you know. What’s going upstairs in your head maybe the last words you have actually never said if you’re too quiet or not talkative.

I developed a kind of intuition over the years that I know when to speak or listen. I just know when I’m talking to a listener or a talker who doesn’t have an ear to listen because they’re so fired up to get back on the horse and ride again. I can also tell if a person is or isn’t attentive. I can feel it and see it. I’m not a person who’s overly talkative, but there are moments when God is like, Melvin, stop talking. It’s time to listen. Or, speak, you have done enough listening. I instinctively pickup on visual and audio cues of when to speak or listen. Spiritually speaking, I credit my instincts to the Holy Spirit. He’s given me to the ability to discern when to speak or listen. Communication is about balance. Many people have the idea that communication is only speaking. Communication is listening too.

You may find the last point I want to highlight funny. It’s a term I came up with…not sure if anyone has used it. If so, oh well. A ninja is someone who cuts you off before you could answer their question or elaborate on whatever it is that you’re talking about. Let’s take a look at this dialogue.

At the movies, the person you’re on a date with is talking throughout the entire movie. The lights come and they “So how was the movie?”

You lips move to respond. “I like…”

“I really like when the guy jumped off the roof and kicked him in the face. What did you like about the end?

Your lips move to respond.

“The ending should’ve been better,” your date responds.

You get the idea? The ninja slices and dices and gives you two back hands before you get a word out. Frustrating huh? Let’s a deeper look to how toxic this can be.

The root of being cut by a ninja is self-centeredness. Since self-centeredness is the root, the person is overly talkative. Hence, being too talkative is the result of being cut off in a conversation before you could get a word out. This can be irritating and makes you not want to bother talking. Draining huh?

Of course they are exceptions when it comes to likeminded and behavioral-like people. I will add tolerance too. Too people who are self-centered may work. I’m not sure how, for the reason they’ll be fighting for the spotlight. But hey, anything is possible. Two talkative people in a relationship could work as well. I’m sure you know some. You may have the tolerance to date a ninja. Perhaps you don’t mind slicing and dicing them back to get a word or approaching the conversation like double-dutch. It’s about finding your match. Excellent communication sustains long and healthy relationships.

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Faith, friendship, Honesty, How to Find Love, Love Again By Melvin Davis, Melvin Davis

Compatibility: What a Woman Longs For

I confess that I’m not a relationship expert, nor do I claim to understand women 100%. I don’t have all the answers. I do ask God for the understanding, knowledge and wisdom of how to court and love the woman He has for me.  This is my way of preparing for marriage. I want the woman I marry to say, “I’m the reason her eyes are filled with contentment, tears of peace and joy. And that her parents, close family members and friends smile, because “I’m in her life.” More importantly, I want to be the reason she looks forward to expressing her love each day. I also pray to be a great husband. I envision teaching my son how to court a woman, and what my daughter should expect when a guy is really into her. I also imagine explaining to them about the man I used to be, and the person I became in Christ, which made it possible to marry their mother, hence, why they exist. I’m advocate that women are one of the greatest gifts to men.

I’m sure all men can say without theory, based on concrete empirical facts of their experiences, women are a little complicated at times. I’m sure the majority of them could agree. I don’t mean this as a negative. I see beauty in woman’s complexities, how her emotions often envelope over one another like water colors on a canvas–yet the picture is still beautiful, transparent and clear–sometimes only understood by the eyes of her lover. How a woman’s mind works with depth, intelligence, humor and spirit, is all a wonder to me. However, no matter how complex some women are, they long for the basic essentials that makes her feel alive, loved, cared for, and like a woman. Let’s go a little deeper to see what I mean that. I suggest reading Proverbs 31 to truly enjoy this ride. As you read, see the kind of man a Proverbs 31 woman could see walking beside.

  1. A Proverbs 31 woman longs for a man who can trust her.

A way to build trust with a woman is to establish an authentic and transparent friendship with her. When you’re getting to know a person, hesitance rises of revealing who you really are. This is the imperfect, flawed person. I understand the temptation of presenting a near perfect, appealing person, but we know that isn’t the case.  You have to keep in mind that people will expect what you’re advertising. Be honest. My motto is: A person may actually like you if they have a chance to know the imperfect you. I understand you may or may not expose certain details about your personal life and relationship experiences, failures, weakness and shortcomings. at first There’s a time and a place to dispense such information. Timing is critical role of how a friendship develops and relationship unfolds. Ultimately, a woman would only get to know and respect you if you’re up front with her. A mature woman isn’t going to judge or look down on you so don’t worry. She wants to see the man who you have evolved and matured into. Personal and spiritual growth is a plus in her eyes. She would appreciate you in the now if she understood your past.

Trust is something a woman wants in a man. It’s impossible to have a relationship without trust. Your trust in her encourages her to be genuine, confident and carefree in your presence and in public.

  1. A Proverbs 31 woman desires a man who’s consistent in doing “good” to her and not harm.

Consistency presents pressure. It means you have to stay on top of doing something over and over to achieve the same results, but this is where God’s power, grace and mercy steps in. This is where it’s important for a man to have a strong relationship with God.

There are days when you’re going to fail at loving, but an understanding, compassionate and self-less woman already understands that. You’re human. She’s human. It’s your effort that moves her, and your desire to consistently love her that makes her smile when she’s thinking of you. Effort simply shows that you care.

The importance of keep God first in a relationship is that He helps to sustain it. He will give you the knowledge and wisdom to love her in a way that’s consistent and effective, if you ask.

A lack of effort and care is what causes her arm. I’m under the belief, and I know this may sound cliche, but hey, it’s true. Women are like plants. You have to water and pay attention to them on a consistent basis. You water a woman with unconditional love, thoughtfulness, adoration, kindness, patience, understanding, etc. See the Fruits of the Holy Spirit in Corinthians.

  1. She wants a man who has a taste for excellence and a strong work ethic.

A taste for excellence represents the quality of your work ethic. In other words, what your purpose is in life, or what is of importance to you. For me, it’s writing and my relationship with God. I put my best into what’s a priority because I want to see great results. Loving a woman works the same way.

When your heart is set on pleasing a woman, you want her to have the best, and you’ll work hard to accomplish those measurable means.

Sometimes giving your best is sacrificing a hobby to spend more time with her, getting up early to exercise with her, lending a helping hand with choirs or dinner.

  1. A woman longs for a man who could enhance or add something to her life–not the opposite.

It’s never a good idea to pursue a woman who wants to experience true love, and you have no intentions of truly loving her. She’s not looking for added confusion or unnecessary pain, if she’s already accompanied by challenges of her own.

Besides having stability and independence into the equation, walk into a woman’s life with a sense of who you are and your purpose. A man with purpose is appealing to a woman with purpose. Also, offer her unconditional love, commitment and the absence of pride and ego.

In order to enhance something, something has to be already there or in a place. A Proverbs 31 woman isn’t looking for a man to define, complete or take care of her. She knows her identity. She is whole, self-sufficient and is able to take care of herself.  Being wooed by monetary means is just an option to her.

  1. A woman longs for a man who can to speak to her mind.

To take a woman outside of her emotions, and into a place she seldom experiences touch, which is in the pacific of her mind, your conversation has to be enriched with something that feathers her interest.

Intimacy happens before any heated moment. In any way am I’m offering advice of how to get a woman in bed. I believe you should wait to share yourself in marriage. However, intimacy begins with conversation. Intellectual stimulation has mental and physical reactions. Romantically, conversation is a way to turn a woman’s wheels upstairs. To have her think, laugh, smile, or consider you for advice, because of your conversation, sketches you into her life as an ideal husband. A woman who thinks long-terms wants have a man she could talk to, and actually enjoy as a person.

If you’re not versed in areas she’s interested in, do the homework. Find out why intrigues her, and meet her there in the given topical conversation. This shows that you she matters to you.

There are five more things I believe a woman longs for…coming up next.

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Identifying Someone You’re Not Equally Yoked With, The Introduction

In 2014, it’s becoming more and more difficult to find love. We live in a wave of a “carefree,” “go with the flow” attitude. I would think by the time you approach your late 20’s or early 30’s, that attitude would be abandoned. Unfortunately, that’s not the case. Who has time to waste? Anyhow, the carefree, go with the flow attitude means this: “I’m going to date whoever I want to date, although I know you have sincere intentions of being monogamous with me.” If you haven’t come across that person, you may meet the broken wing. This is a person who recently exited a relationship. They’re hurt and broken, but feel a sense of liberation and freedom now that they’re single. The excitement of being back on the market propels them to relive what it feels like to be single again. In other words, it’s time to have “fun” and “to see what’s out there.” This is okay for them, but you have to take charge of your well-being. The result of encountering this person also leads to uncertainty, like the carefree; go with the flow type of person. Their emotions are pulling them in all kinds of different weird directions. Well, maybe weird isn’t a good choice of word. Let’s just say, they’re dealing with the past of who they were with, while trying to remain faithful to their healing process, with great potentials darting their way. It’s about variety and choice here. However, properly healing isn’t in the forefront of their minds.  Practice caution with this person.  You don’t know if they’ll return to the relationship they just left, or if they’re going out with 2 of 3 different people days or worse, sleeping with someone else while entertaining you. Step way. It’s a cold world out there.  Is there any wrong with the broken wing person?  Not necessarily. Who hasn’t experienced brokenness? But, in order to find and experience true love, you have to do it God’s way. Your heart should be turned toward him instead of dating someone else.

Pressure mounts up to find someone you can experience love and life with as time passes. You start to think do you have to settle for the sake of not being alone, even if that means putting up with someone who’s unfaithful to you or will treat you like an option.  If this person is you, come back for the second installment of Identifying Someone You’re Unequally Yoked With. I have a message for you. You don’t have to settle. You don’t have to be anyone’s option. You can stay course of waiting on God to send you someone beautiful and something meaningful. While you’re positioning yourself to find love, I want to share few points that will help you avoid disappointment in the next blog.

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I’m Not Looking for the Perfect Woman

I’m sure the majority of women who have been reading my posts feel that I have high expectations beyond this world. They may think I’m looking to be with a supermodel woman or she has to look like the woman that’s eye candy to many men. Or, I’m specifically set on being with someone of the same culture. That’s not the case. Beauty and love extends beyond the color of my skin. And a high level of physical attraction doesn’t promise love. It promises lust. Other women may feel they have to be where I’m at spiritually. That’s not the case either. While physical attraction and chemistry, good conversation and having a spiritual connection matters, I’m a down to earth simple guy who sees himself with a down to earth, fun and simple woman. My expectations are realistic but not watered down or negotiated for just being with anyone.

I’m not looking for the perfect woman because the perfect woman believes she’s perfect is too good for anyone else. She also feels that no one measures up to her.  She seeks every opportunity to highlight your weaknesses rather than praise you strengths. Arrogance and conceitedness blindfolds her. I don’t know any man who would desire a woman like that. If so, it’s for the same of looking good in public or for sexual purposes, if you know what I mean.

I’m attracted to women who are humbled, who seek to experience love on a spiritual level, and knows how to communicate. Communication for some means yapping uncontrollably. Sorry. My attention span isn’t built that way. In a lecture, yes, it’s expected. My mind wanders when the uncontrollable yapping happens, and I immediately lose interest. Communication means to be conscious of another in your presence. You are engaging them. Not yourself.

I’m not looking for the perfect woman because I’m not a perfect man. I noted in a previous blog that although I may seem wise and knowledgeable, driven and well rounded, spiritually in tuned to people and my environment, and well put together, I’m flawed. I’m a human being who tries to live everyday improving.  I’m glad I’m not the perfect man. That’s too much pressure.

I’m not looking for the perfect woman because I’m looking for a woman I can grow, build and evolve with.  Relationships are built upon the building and rebidding of each other. I’m well aware that many people come from different family structures and relational experiences. And some of those who family structures and relational experiences may have created insecurities or have made their heart callous. I enter situations to learn about that person so I can understand who she is today, and how far she comes into being a woman. It’s important to understand who a woman is so I can be aware and sensitive to the woman she is today, as well as her to her needs. Empathy, listening and understanding is important her.

I’m not necessarily looking for a woman who’s where I’m at spiritually. Once upon a time, I was not who I am today. However, what’s important to me, and what I listen and look for in a woman is her desire to grow in God through Christ. I maybe the reason she may grow spiritually. She could be the reason why God taught me to love with compassion, with patience, kindness, etc., and to her strengths to compliment my weakness. Relationships are supposed to bring balance.

If you’re looking for the perfect person, I suggest you take a deeper look into the mirror. A perfect reflection isn’t staring back at you. It’s an illusion. That perfect doesn’t exist because you don’t exist in the reality of your humaneness. If you were created perfect, you wouldn’t have to depend on or acknowledge your Creator. No one one would be able to compliment you or please you.

I dig humble woman. They are attractive.

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Thanks for your support.

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The Temptation of Reliving the Past: When Old Feelings Surface

To return to what God led you away from is to jeopardize where he wants to take you with the person he has for you. –Melvin Davis

What do I do now that I’m “single”? is a question many people find themselves asking when they have “moved” on from a failed relationship. You’re somewhat emotionally detached, and you’re somewhat ready to give love through someone new. However, a flashback of the “good times” crosses your mind. Those fond memories emerge with joy, somehow putting a smile on your face, until you think about the toxic and heated arguments, and the intense moments of feeling unappreciated and emotionally and spiritually disconnected. You also remember those signs of unfaithfulness and lies, being ignored and uncared for. You cried next to that person in bed until no more tears could produce from your heart. You’ve talked to so many people about the situation until your mouth grew tired. The truth made itself known to you. And you even prayed about the relationship once more, and God showed you a clear painting of the situation. In fact, you saw the view of the picture from many angles. God showed you why it’s not his will, and where it will land you if you continued to stay in the relationship. His presence penetrated deep into your heart, that you had to stop doing what your were doing to sit still and gather yourself. You felt the ache bearing deep within that you couldn’t rest well at night, or concentrate during the day.  I want to talk about The Temptation of Reliving the Past.

It’s easy to return to the familiar, because you don’t have to put in the work of getting to know someone new all over again. It takes time and patience getting to know someone, which is something you probably don’t have. You’re short on patience. These days, there isn’t much legroom for mistakes. You have probably thought about returning to that person who didn’t appreciate you, than to give some else a chance who would appreciate and deeply love you. You’re ready to write someone off, because again, you don’t have the “patience.” After all, you “know” the person you were with.

To return to what God led you away from is to jeopardize where he wants to take you with the person he has for you. You have to remind yourself why the relationship didn’t work. Besides that you were toxic for each other, there was probably one prominent force at hand that was working against you two. It wasn’t God’s will.  What’s not in God’s will have no chance at life. Of course, you could make it work, but forcing love into the equation where it’s supposed to develop naturally, just isn’t worth it. Your “I love you’s” will have no feeling or passion behind it. And the touch or the holding of hands will not produce any feelings of love, comfort and assurance that this is the person God has for you.  When you step outside of God’s will, you’re forfeiting being valued and appreciated, love and cared for, respected and adored. You’re giving up your sanity/ peace of mind, because faithfulness and commitment will always be called into question when you’re not in that person’s presence. You’re also giving up the chance to build two important foundations a God-ordained relationship should stand on, which are a friendship and a spiritual connection. Without any of these positive components, love has nothing to stand on.

Before you think about reopening a closed chapter, remember why the relationship failed. God led you away from that person for a very important reason. It wasn’t his will. To return to the past is to jeopardize where he wants to take you with the person he has for you. But that page of finding new love can’t be read until you move on from the past.

In my novel Love Again, Jennifer is temped to return to the past but she comes to her senses. Let’s take a look.

Jennifer took a seat, removed her sunglasses, and got right to it.

“Robert, you know how much I still care for you.”

“Oh, here we go,” he complained, interrupting.

 “I’ve thought about you often throughout the years. I’ve often wondered what life would’ve been like if we’d gotten back together again. But after meeting up with you in New York and DC, I admit, some old feelings resurfaced, but they quickly faded away. I don’t feel the same way for you as I once did before.”

“What do you mean?” His nostrils flared up.

“What I’m saying that it’s too late to make up for what happened several years ago,” she said blinking back tears.” Time has passed. I’ve met someone new now, someone who has believed in me since day one, someone who understands me, someone who I pushed away.”

“Like you’re doing to me now?”

“No! I’m not pushing you away. I’m freeing us from one another so that we can be open to experience love from someone else. I’m sorry Robert, but I don’t see myself being with you. I don’t see us getting married.”

Here Jennifer comes to her senses. She remember all that happened in the past, and some people just don’t change. What’s in God’s will has a second chance.

Thank you for reading my blog. I would like to ask you to take a few minutes to check out my video on indiegogo. I’m raising funds to self-publish my novel Love Again.

Here’s the link:  http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/love-again-a-novel-by-melvin-davis/x/6665495

Your donation would help me tremendously, as well as passing on my campaign to your friends.

Thanks in advance.

 

 

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