love

Why I”m Not Looking For Love? Pt IV

My heart doesn’t sing a sad tune. It sings one of singleness.–Melvin Davis

In part III of this blog series, I shared very personal experience of mine that didn’t happen too long ago. An experience about a woman I pursued that I felt was the one. But in my youth, I didn’t quite understand the importance of timing and patience, learning how to love myself so that I could overcome the feeling and state of loneliness. And also, in which I probably wasn’t clear enough, allowing a friendship to blossom without the pressure of wanting a relationship with her. I want to share more in depth, what was going on at the time of pursuing love with her, and what was birthing out of me that became more important than experiencing love, which continues to be case in 2012 so far.

While this woman was in my life, I discovered a gift and passion for creative writing. Occurrences, the gift, and the turbulence, needed my undivided attention, but at the time, I wasn’t listening to what God was telling me. My heart desire for her smothered the voice of God in my ear, which I truly believe was the demise of our friendship. Today, God hasn’t given me any indication to enter a relationship.

I’m not looking for love because I’m fighting to see my dreams come true. Getting published maybe a success for some, but not for me. I’m the type of guy that aims high to a point that you probably would think I’m crazy for envisioning what I foresee in my future. Writing is what I want to do for a living, so my time and energy has to be invested in that while I’m trying to fight internal demons and external circumstances that weigh on me.  I’ve tried to avail myself to dating, but such persons became mentally and emotionally taxing on me that I had to withdrawal. Some people can just jump into the relationships because they can, but not I. I was never built that way, which is why I’ve only been in two relationships.

Am I trying to birth a dream, but I believe to be successful at anything, you must first have success in your spiritual walk with God. I honestly say, without distant sincerity, that my relationship with God is the most important thing in my life. There were, and still are, a lot of things that I know intellectually. But the things we know intellectually don’t’ always sink into our hearts. I now know what it feels like to be a man after God’s own heart. Submitting to God is a process– at least it’s been that way for me. The things I believe will to come to pass concerning my dreams takes a greater level of faith. However, a greater level of faith has to be earned. You may have to go through long periods of pain, and loneliness. There’s also a greater level of sacrifice that must match the kind of faith you want to have. I am willing to sacrifice whatever it is to see my dreams as an novelist come to pass. If I have to be single for another 2 or 4 years, so be it. If I have to sacrifice my comfort, then so be it. If have to walk this journey of faith that will lead to great success, then so be it. I told God I am all His. Whatever that needs to be done, do it. I’m wiling to go through the pain and discomfort. Now, can you imagine look for love under such critical and pivotal moments in your life?

I think it would be a true blessing to find love on your way to success. I believe there are some wonderful people out there who be very understanding of present conditions, who are willing to be patient with you instead of rushing or pressing you to be in a relationship with them. I believe they are people who out there who are willing to truly be a friend and be supportive you in your endeavors, but those people are hard to find. Understanding is just as important as great conversation and chemistry. If a person criticizes your singleness, it’s because they have the slightest idea of the limitations around you. They are more know church or a few scriptures, but knowing the two does not translate into spiritual maturity. I’m looking for a spiritual mature woman.

There are other reasons why I’m not looking for, but I have to reserve those reasons for myself.  A friendship would be appropriate for now because I need a friend more than anything. I’m at a sensitive crossroads in life. And occupying my space with someone I know is not the one could cause me to travel down a road God didn’t intend. No more detours for me.

I’m not looking for love because I want it enter my life naturally. For me, it doesn’t feel right to say in mind, “okay, it’s time to find my wife.” I want to the first or the second encounter, the phone call, the text, or the email, to happen by divine design.  I don’t want to feel like things are be forced or rushed. I don’t want there to be resistance on my behalf or the other. I’ve come a long way to able to know when God is or isn’t speaking to me. And to my knowledge, He hasn’t say this or that woman is the one—no matter how intrigued I am by her. I’ve been told to wait, to focus on Him, my dreams, and a few other things.  These are the tunes my heart sings, not one of sadness.

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love

Why I’m Not Looking For Love, Pt.III

Anyone who has read the previous blogs under this series, you would have thought the sun had began to set on my life in entering a relationship again, experiencing unconditional love, and all the wonderful things I write about that tickle your romantic fancy. Unfortunately, that is not the case. To flick back to the index of an experience, which may not be new to some, but new to others, here’s a snap shot of a last love pursuit that really propelled my writing, and how I view love. Trust me, this all will tie into why I’m not looking for love. I promise you (insert smiley face here)

Once upon a time, I laid eyes on a woman while working out one day. Immediately, I felt something peculiar, special about this woman that I had to make my way over to introduce myself. Long story short, although I knew she wasn’t looking for a relationship, I accepted a friendship. No matter how hard I tried to suppress the romantic feelings I had for her, I couldn’t.

What I felt about her grew uncanny, so strong to the point that I never knew I could feel this way about a woman before. I was completely transparent and vulnerable in ways I never done so before. I didn’t care to reveal all of who I was, because I wanted her to see all of me, e.g., my weaknesses and strengths. Long story short, things did not work out. I learned an invaluable lesson about timing and patience, both of which I failed to understand at the time.

In part II of this blog, after the demise of that special woman and I friendship, I shared how I finally passed the test of understanding the importance of timing, learning how to be patient and learning how to love myself so I that I could overcome the feeling and state of loneliness. And I believe I did, to an extent but I didn’t. Today, every now and then, I still struggle in these areas. I find myself asking the same questions of why I can’t I experience love or when am I going to find that special woman. Some of the things I blog about, as it relates to patience, timing, overcoming loneliness, etc., I’m actually writing to myself. I have to give myself constant reminders to stay focused on the assignments at hand, which I will get into later in part IV. Anyhow, in sum, after my friend departed from my life, the test I thought I passed, I was actually being prepped for it. I was only given the answers to the questions but isn’t funny how you c

In 2012, I moved on from the woman I was in love with. I came to the conclusion, that with her or without her, I was going to be happy and content. There are millions of beautiful women out there. I know I could experience what I felt before in what I felt with other woman, probably better. With that being said, I tried to make myself available to meet someone else. I sort of pursued rather passively—only to feel people out. I allowed my eyes to be opened to see the possibility of love come from somewhere else. And I sort of thought I did, but I repeated the same mistakes I did in the past, which resulted to a pursuit gone wrong. This was indication that it’s not time to love.

My love life is complex, one that has to be viewed from a spiritual perspective, if you are to understand the perspective I’m coming from. In part IV of this blog. I’m going to share some reason why I’m not looking for love. But I will say, I’m not in a position to. God won’t let me. He’s telling me to sit still because He’s not done working things out in me. There’s still coming growing and learning to do, perhaps further healing I am not aware about. A friendship is all I can handle, and I have found that to be quit risky: some people view relationship differently than I do. I view having a relationship with someone as taking her to be my wife. I don’t jump in relationships for the mere fact that I am single and you’re single. Time is something that you cannot get back, and avoiding unnecessary pain and waste of time is not on my agenda.

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