Single, but I’m Struggling to be Patient for Love: How Can I Overcome My Impatience? Pt. I

Out of the pain we experience from failed relationships, we come to know a little more about ourselves in a more thoughtful, spiritual and meaningful way. Hurt prepares you for success next time around—Melvin Davis

I’ve been single for four years now but dated from time to time, here and there, but nothing serious enough to commit to a relationship. There were too many transitions, as well as personal and spiritual transformations that I have undergone in my life that demanded my attention, which is still the case now, but not as extreme as before. I did, however, meet someone, in 2009, a few months after my breakup in 2008 with the ex-girlfriend. I don’t recall praying to meet “the one” after my breakup. I was sort of just focusing on school and breathing from a three year on and off bad relationship. Anyhow, the woman I met was something special. From head to toe, from her personality to her spirituality, and intellect, she was everything that kept my attention. But at time progressed, our friendship ended for several reasons, as I understood everything that was going on.  After our “friendship” ended, I discovered I didn’t quite know myself. I didn’t understand love in the way I do now. I also wrestled with issues of impatience and loneliness.  Loneliness was my reality after my “friendship” ended with that special woman, but I eventually made a decision for it not to be, which was possible by learning how to love myself. Impatience was a constant struggle for me. It filtered into my outlook on life and how I approached relationships. I wanted things to happen now in the past I guess because I was used to having certain things at the time in the past. However, I made a decision to change my perception about being a single man, which changed my perception about being patient.

Your time of being single is essentially a time of addressing all the things that are pertinent to your life, such as discovering your purpose, or having stability in the important areas of your life. People say that loneliness is a state of mind, in which I partially agree, but it doesn’t have to become your reality. Instead of perceiving single as a time of being punished, or thinking you can’t attract the perfect/perfect soul-mate, view this time as a time of preparation, personal and spiritual development, a time of figuring your definition and love language is and what love should and shouldn’t look like.  If it weren’t for my last pursuit love, a novel wouldn’t have exited. I wouldn’t write about love and relationships, unashamedly, and with passion. And, I wouldn’t have become the person that I am today. After the pain passed, I gathered some wisdom that I could not impart to others.

In part II of this blog, I was going more in depth about how you can change your perception about being single. The key here is to develop patience within you.

Thanks for reading. And as always, I encourage comments

Feel free to sharing with family and friends, or with someone who maybe challenged in their single life.


Why I”m Not Looking For Love? Pt IV

My heart doesn’t sing a sad tune. It sings one of singleness.–Melvin Davis

In part III of this blog series, I shared very personal experience of mine that didn’t happen too long ago. An experience about a woman I pursued that I felt was the one. But in my youth, I didn’t quite understand the importance of timing and patience, learning how to love myself so that I could overcome the feeling and state of loneliness. And also, in which I probably wasn’t clear enough, allowing a friendship to blossom without the pressure of wanting a relationship with her. I want to share more in depth, what was going on at the time of pursuing love with her, and what was birthing out of me that became more important than experiencing love, which continues to be case in 2012 so far.

While this woman was in my life, I discovered a gift and passion for creative writing. Occurrences, the gift, and the turbulence, needed my undivided attention, but at the time, I wasn’t listening to what God was telling me. My heart desire for her smothered the voice of God in my ear, which I truly believe was the demise of our friendship. Today, God hasn’t given me any indication to enter a relationship.

I’m not looking for love because I’m fighting to see my dreams come true. Getting published maybe a success for some, but not for me. I’m the type of guy that aims high to a point that you probably would think I’m crazy for envisioning what I foresee in my future. Writing is what I want to do for a living, so my time and energy has to be invested in that while I’m trying to fight internal demons and external circumstances that weigh on me.  I’ve tried to avail myself to dating, but such persons became mentally and emotionally taxing on me that I had to withdrawal. Some people can just jump into the relationships because they can, but not I. I was never built that way, which is why I’ve only been in two relationships.

Am I trying to birth a dream, but I believe to be successful at anything, you must first have success in your spiritual walk with God. I honestly say, without distant sincerity, that my relationship with God is the most important thing in my life. There were, and still are, a lot of things that I know intellectually. But the things we know intellectually don’t’ always sink into our hearts. I now know what it feels like to be a man after God’s own heart. Submitting to God is a process– at least it’s been that way for me. The things I believe will to come to pass concerning my dreams takes a greater level of faith. However, a greater level of faith has to be earned. You may have to go through long periods of pain, and loneliness. There’s also a greater level of sacrifice that must match the kind of faith you want to have. I am willing to sacrifice whatever it is to see my dreams as an novelist come to pass. If I have to be single for another 2 or 4 years, so be it. If I have to sacrifice my comfort, then so be it. If have to walk this journey of faith that will lead to great success, then so be it. I told God I am all His. Whatever that needs to be done, do it. I’m wiling to go through the pain and discomfort. Now, can you imagine look for love under such critical and pivotal moments in your life?

I think it would be a true blessing to find love on your way to success. I believe there are some wonderful people out there who be very understanding of present conditions, who are willing to be patient with you instead of rushing or pressing you to be in a relationship with them. I believe they are people who out there who are willing to truly be a friend and be supportive you in your endeavors, but those people are hard to find. Understanding is just as important as great conversation and chemistry. If a person criticizes your singleness, it’s because they have the slightest idea of the limitations around you. They are more know church or a few scriptures, but knowing the two does not translate into spiritual maturity. I’m looking for a spiritual mature woman.

There are other reasons why I’m not looking for, but I have to reserve those reasons for myself.  A friendship would be appropriate for now because I need a friend more than anything. I’m at a sensitive crossroads in life. And occupying my space with someone I know is not the one could cause me to travel down a road God didn’t intend. No more detours for me.

I’m not looking for love because I want it enter my life naturally. For me, it doesn’t feel right to say in mind, “okay, it’s time to find my wife.” I want to the first or the second encounter, the phone call, the text, or the email, to happen by divine design.  I don’t want to feel like things are be forced or rushed. I don’t want there to be resistance on my behalf or the other. I’ve come a long way to able to know when God is or isn’t speaking to me. And to my knowledge, He hasn’t say this or that woman is the one—no matter how intrigued I am by her. I’ve been told to wait, to focus on Him, my dreams, and a few other things.  These are the tunes my heart sings, not one of sadness.